Thursday, October 30, 2008

WWHM Blames Porn #3,587

I have Exam Fantasy

Come over and explore a patient/doctor fantasy. Come over to my house, and we will do a normal gynicogical exam. I will examine you in a special chair and we will go from there. I have this fantasy for years, very hot Email XXXXXX@. XXX.XXX -Hawk

Occupational fantasies have been around for centuries. Scientists acknowledge pre-historic women often fantasized about sleeping with esteemed tribal firestarters, who probably tired quickly of cavewomen's repeated sexual innuendos regarding his profession. "Yeah, I've never heard that one before," they'd sigh, as another bored and horny cavewoman suggested she knew a place he might want to try and start a fire.

Occupational fantasies continue today. While many men fantasize about sleeping with teachers, nurses or waitresses, women often fantasize about about sleeping with construction workers, police officers or firemen. But gynecologists? Not particularly, which might explain why I still have 60,000 copies of WWHM's The Erect Gynecologist Swimsuit Calendar 2008 collecting dust in my garage. If you'd like to order one today, I'll throw in a jar of cold jelly and a phone shaped like a uterus that gets all emotional and cries when it rings.

Hawk, let me turn the tables on you. Would you answer the following personal ad from a woman?

"Complete stranger would like to come over and scrape the base of your urethra with a Q-Tip."

Maybe I'm asking the wrong guy, but if you can get your dick hard when someone is cyst mining your urethra, you really need to open up and talk about what went on at Bible Camp.

48 comments:

Nd_Appy said...

wow. just what i wanted.... let me screw my gyno... eeewwww

nosey said...

I'll throw in a jar of cold jelly and a phone shaped like a uterus that gets all emotional and cries when it rings.

That is so good! Love it!

horsegal said...

*coffee still flowing from nose* This guy will then wonder why he doesn't get flooded with replies, and turn around and do the "angry" post saying what bitches we women are for not standing in line for the priviledge of having him "pap" us. *shudder*

Rozie said...

Hey Weasel, tell me which months photo you are in the "The Erect Gynecologist Swimsuit Calendar 2008" and i will think about buying one.LOL.

Nosnikta said...

Ok, but ONLY if he promises to use the ribbed specula with the french tickler on the end....

yeah right

SassyBrunette said...

Well, this guy sounds fun! Can I have the breast exam yet? I hope your speculum is freezing cold and unlubed. And let me tell you how sexy I feel, while lying naked in a "garmet" that most closely resembles a used paper towel with arm holes cut into it. Guess "porn lied" again. And who would date a man named Hawk, anyway?

CaliGirl9 said...

Okay, I have a confession to make.

This has been MY fantasy for years.

Well, but in reverse. I'd love for a male to feel the cold hard bill of a speculum, the gentle kneading of my breasts during a doctor's breast exam, the digital exam to feel my uterus and ovaries, just everything that goes along with a visit to a GYN's office.

Call me Nurse Mildred Rached (the role model nurse in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest). I'm open for business.

Here I am with my hypothetical patient, his name is Hawk.

How often do you do a testicular exam? (Ice cole gloved hands move toward the scrotum). What's that you say, no one has ever showed you? Well it's just like scratching your balls, only more precise and not as loving.

Good news! I didn't feel any lumps, so you won't need a testegram. Even if you did, no worries. A technician simply would place your balls on an ice-cold x-ray plate, bring the lens part of the machine down and smush your nuts so we can get a good image and then click a few photos from different views. Don't worry, we use the same unit women use for mammograms, and of course women don't mind having their breasts smashed by a machine bit!

This is no big deal, this speculum might be a bit cold but it won't hurt (using a large multiparous/big woman version, not the cute little virginal size). Oh oops I didn't mean to pinch you like that (after popping the thing open and locking it into place). Breathe deeply and relax.

The digital exam is next, baby (suddenly remembering this is a fantasy, cooing into his ear). Now bend over and cough please. Oops I forgot the lubricant. But do you like the dishwashing gloves I'm wearing. Those flimsy latex things they make medical professionals wear just don't provide enough protection.

Hmmm, I felt something worrisome. I think you might need an ultrasound (pulling the ultrasound machine out of the corner, checking the vaginal probe, placing a heavily ribbed condom on the end of the probe, and getting ready to do an internal ultrasound exam).

And that, my friends, is as close to writing porn as I will get.

water_bearer said...

Well the Q-tip part is right, except it's the cervix being scraped and not the urethra. That's a different hole. I know you men get confused because you only have one. It's OK. I'm rather glad you don't know. Proves this is not your fantasy. And thank goodness. There is nothing that makes you feel less sexy than being in those stirrups. Do not EVER ask a woman if she gets turned on by gynEcological exams. Doctors' offices in general are pretty much the least sexy places on the planet. Everything moist on my body pretty much dries up like the Sahara faster than you can say clammy doorknob the moment I enter the waiting room.

Pilar said...

Yep, I'll play drs with him when he lets me tapdance on his testicles.

anniebanannie said...

In graduate school, I had the "opportunity" to get paid to allow 10 medical students to perform a pelvic exam on me. It paid $250. Even though I was a starving grad student I said, "No. Thank. You."

Christ on a stick...

Havocec said...

gawd..the good ole days when sexually transmitted disease in men was detected with one of those big ass Q-tips. Nothing makes a big tough University quarterback cry for his Momma like the swab.

Walk On said...

Ewwwwwwwwwww

'nough said.

(And considering my gyn has always been a woman, having sex with her has never crossed my mind!)

schlgrl said...

Visiting this site from Fugly suggestion. RiDICKulously, fantastically, amazingly funny! We all know guys say/do this shit, but it's kinda like a third nipple or an amazing Grand Prix horse, you just don't believe it til you see it! When will they ever learn?!

jax said...

haha Weasel someone gone for a STD test??! you do know they can check your piss now don't you?

seriously 'Hawk' the last thing i want to hear form my date is "ok just scoot a lil closer to me here in the stirrups."

Calantha said...

When did an ice-cold speculum and a paper gown that's better used as bird cage lining become sexy?

Rhyadawn said...

I have an attractive gyno and this still NEVER occured in my brain!

Yes its every womans fantasy to be naked under papertowel with her feet in stirrups getting her insides scraped with a fork!

when will the Y chromosone ever get a clue...

SassyAssy said...

Wow! Wonder how many women responded to that tempting offer?

Weasel, I agree with Rozie...if you are showcased in the calendar, the cold jelly is a hard thing to turn down.

Weasel said...

Wow, a new side of Cali comes out.

Yeah, I wasn't invited to pose for my own calendar. They did however model the uterus phone after my own uterus.

nosey said...

Ring Ring...it's for you.

CaliGirl9 said...

Sorry Weas!
Gynecological stirrups being out the worst in me!

Indra said...

wow there sure are a lot of comments now that seem to be piling up quite quick. Congrats Weasel on acquiring so many readers.

Brandy said...

My gyn is a 6 foot black woman. Softer looking than Grace Jones, but I bet she would smell the same... mmmm, spicy!

Medical fantasies ARE a biggie in the fetish world... Although I really don't find them erotic, there's room for all....

Maybe this guy's just curious about what the interior of a woman's bits look like. A speculum can be fun. Have your lover watch you do your thing while you have one in, it's an amazing show! Suzie Bright did it on stage in one of her shows, with a camera "looking" in. Wow!

Hey, weasel, I need a new calendar, where should I send the $$$?

Ella said...

Oddly enough the one thing that struck me the most (besides the obvious, of course) was that the guys name is HAWK.

ahem.

The Half-Assed Blog said...

Yeah, having someone ram a cold, metal carjack up your vagina and crank the damn thing open so that there's enough room for a Starbucks, a Mini Cooper and ALL of the dancers from "A Chorus Line" is TEH SEXY.

Guys are so damn stupid sometimes.

Lynda said...

Hey my Gyno is divorced and pretty good looking! Oh but he's pretty jaded over the whole horse thing... guess his wife kept the horse and threw him out....

Lynda said...

"Yeah, having someone ram a cold, metal carjack up your vagina and crank the damn thing open so that there's enough room for a Starbucks, a Mini Cooper and ALL of the dancers from "A Chorus Line" is TEH SEXY."

Oh god.. I cant stop laughing.... My dog is going nuts thinking somethings wrong with me... LMAO

Mary said...

We must not forget the feel and sound we make the second we hear the still fridged bills "click" into place, reminding us that the cave which holds the Holy Grail is now open for business. You know what I mean...the instant gasp for air all while looking down wondering if the doc is hiding or if he just shoved his entire head up inside your body cavity.

My yearly physical is on November 20th...maybe I should give Hawk a call and skip the co-pay.

Lynda said...

LOL thanks for reminding me Mary to call for mine! I got the reminder card on saturday... of course I promptly forgot it.

Anonymous said...

well, i'm perhaps the only person who shares this fantasy. i looove speculum play, and get so fantastically horny at the gyno.

i would've answered his ad. ohyes.

Canaduck said...

Ugh, just the idea of making the uncomfortable, scrapey, pinching experience of the gyno into some kind of fetish makes me feel a little ill.

Anonymous said...

This blog. I love. This. Blog. I wish I'd kept screenshots of some of the numpties who contacted me on OKCupid before I wisely deleted my account after a week.

Anyway, whilst nothing strikes me as less sexy than the gynae-world, I have to point out that British female pornographer-for-women Anna Span did film a smear test fantasy porn, which is she reports sells quite nicely.

People, eh.

xenobiologista said...

I would think male gynaecologists in real life get bored of looking at vaginas pretty quickly. The only male gynae I know personally is a family friend...he delivered my second sister (something that us kids don't really want to think about). And yet he and my mum manage to look each other in the eye and socialize like civilized human beings. Conclusion: pussy becomes not all that interesting if it's your job.

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Anonymous said...

You people seem a bit too judgemental. The Internet is the perfect place for people with "special needs" to look for company. You can't exactly go to a bar and ask a woman if she likes to play doctor.
Most of the guys on this website are jerks, but I don't think this one is. He's just looking for someone who wants the same this as he does.
So try to be open minded.

And yes, this is my fantasy too.

Anonymous said...

o god that was so good i laughed til i cried.

thanks :0)

Hammerhead said...

I get the distinct feeling this guy has no idea what a gyno visit actually entails. My gyno, a woman, referred to the exam as "the worst ten seconds of a girl's year." Yeah, that's exactly the experience I want to recreate in the bedroom.

Jessica said...

That is amazing. I hadn't really thought of screwing my gyno, mostly 'cause she's an overly cheerful old woman who uses the word "vagina" too much.

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