Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Bill In The Box

Ladies Ladies Ladies.........

Hello all you women out there. I am looking for a women to fulfill a sexual fetish of mine. I love getting stuffed inside a cardboard box naked! Now you must have big hands like um... something like man hands! Cause I love seeing those big hands stuff me into a box naked! But anyways you need to also be hot like drop dead gorgeous. So if you think you are up for it hit be back with a email. I will be waiting for you..... Bill

Several years ago, I compiled a list of things to avoid in life:

1. Growling dogs.

2. People with bloody hatchets running through the streets yelling "That pigeon discovered the formula!"

3. Judgemental, hypocritcal squirrels.

4. Boxes that moan and smell of old ham.

Bill here violates Rule #4, as he likes to hide inside cardboard boxes. Some may say that just makes him a big ol' kitten at heart, but I don't know too many kittens sporting such a lovely and rugged handlebar moustache.

Bill has placed a personal ad seeking a drop dead gorgeous woman with large "man hands" to seal him inside a cardboard box. Which creates an interesting juxtaposition when considering the attractiveness of a woman, as most men consider "man hands" a definite deal breaker. You might be hot, but if you're attempting to stroke my cock with 10 grit sandpaper hands that could haul a dead giraffe through the llanos, your pretty breasts aren't going to keep my mind off the fact that you're whittling scraps of precious meat off my penis.

If I want my penis torn to shreds, I'll drench my balls in salmon paste and toot an eagle whistle.

I don't know too many gorgeous women who work in the large appliance shipping department of Sears that fix transmissions in their spare time, but if I did, I still doubt any would respond to this ad. While I hear many women coo dreamily about someday getting pounded like a piling by a faceless wanderer on a black horse, I rarely hear women brag that they had the greatest orgasm of their life last night by masturbating to visions stuffing a fat man with sausage fingers into a cardboard box.

Please pack with peanuts, coat with fucking stamps, and send to:

US Senator Larry Craig
United States Senate
Washington, DC 20510-1203

42 comments:

Ashers said...

I've always wondered about this.

Lets be brutally frank:- Bill cannot be described as "hot" and/or "drop dead gorgeous". I'm sure he's a nice person and is kind to animals & his Mum and all that, but he is in dire need of a shave and a strict diet ( in my opinion ).

So why does he think that specifically requesting someone "hot" and "drop dead gorgeous" is going to get any responses ??? Why would anyone of that description EVER respond to an ad for an overweight man with a naked box fetish ???

Luckily, beauty is in the eye of the beholder !!!

So why does he think that

klgalland said...

um, where were the kittens?

Anonymous said...

Oh holy shit on a shingle! I have to stop reading this at work, I am so going to get nabbed because I'm hear laughing like a hyeana!
Your closing line freaking killed me! Send him to Senator Craig!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Anonymous said...

http://www.cduniverse.com/images.asp?pid=6935972&style=music&image=front&title=Bloodhound+Gang+-+Hefty+Fine+CD

I thought that picture looked familiar, he starred on one of the Bloodhound Gang's CD covers.. he's bloody famous! LOL

4thehorses said...

So he's famous and can't get laid? Men are such pervs.

Anonymous said...

There sure are a lot of horse fetishists here. Women are such pervs.

4thehorses said...

Just because women like horses - doesn't make them fetishists. Sorry. Don't come on this blog trying to defend the absolute depravity we see in these folks. And if you do, don't be such chicken shit to do it anonymously...

horsegal said...

OMG OMG OMG EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK

Brain bleach needed.

'nuff said.

Anonymous said...

You have so much pent-up hostilty, 4thehorses. You should masturbate to "The Black Stallion" more than once a week.

CaliGirl9 said...

Being the selfish bitch I am, my first question to this idiot is "what's in it for me?"

'Cause I don't think this is going to be very much fun for any desperate female dumb enough to respond.

Perhaps he would be better served by a transgendered person ... no insults to transgenders, but there's no way a male-to-female can lose all male characteristics, including large masculine hands.

Makes me wonder what this guy did for entertainment as a child. Is this a game he played with his daddy and mommy? Or maybe a neighbor or babysitter?

BTW, my cats very much enjoy empty boxes too, but I do not stuff them into said empty boxes. I also live in an apartment complex chock full of judgmental, hypocritical squirrels galloping all over the property.

Nosnikta said...

. Growling dogs.

2. People with bloody hatchets running through the streets yelling "That pigeon discovered the formula!"

3. Judgemental, hypocritcal squirrels.

4. Boxes that moan and smell of old ham.

ROFLMAO!

Ashers said...

Caligirl9 - that is a bloody good point....

So, he's getting his rocks off naked in his box and I'm getting......what exactly ??

And more to the point - do I want it?????

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Bill fucking creeps me out like crazy. I wonder if he role plays as the UPS or FedEx guy?

... I guess you take whatever box you can get...

Thingsthatperplexme said...

4thehorses, what's the saying? "who smelt it, dealt it?"

But then again, the only reason I ride horses is for that special stimulation :: rolls eyes :: My love is really that one dimensional.

To amusingly end this train(wreck) of a thought process; if my man shit in a stall for 12 hrs a day, you could not pay me enough to clean it, let alone then feed him his favorite treats, groom him and take him out for a ride.

CutNJump said...

Send him to Larry Craig! Brilliant idea Weasel.


Can you imgine being the one to open the box and find this guy all stuffed in there, nekkid and probably spooged all over?

Kinda like the cop opening the fridge in Jeffry Dahmers appartment to find a head staring back at him...

No amount of brain bleach would do. Sorry for the visuals folks.

Weasel said...

I'm curious if this ad is authentic- I debated not posting it. It might have just been someone punking a friend, but believe me after doing this blog for three months nothing surprises me any more.

Fake or real?

Nosnikta said...

How could anyone even make up something this dumb?

Lynda said...

Im dying to go stuff him in a box... then I'l put the lid on... with some gorrilla glue... and lots of screws... I have my drill charging right now! Then off he goes!! A friend of mine has a boat and he can go for a one way ride!

CutNJump said...

Weasel, after reading this blog for the past few months, I too am less and less suprised by what is becoming more and more the 'norm' out there.

Going to hug my sane, sober, non-abusive and otherwise GOOD hubby when I get home. For no reason other than maybe to scare him into staying that way. LOL!

Drrn. said...

That Bloodhound Gang album is wonderful.

anniebanannie said...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have so much pent-up hostilty, 4thehorses. You should masturbate to "The Black Stallion" more than once a week.

I tire easily of immature idiots who think that if women like horses it must be that they have a fetish for them. At least I'm not posting anonymously, chicken shit dickweed.

I bet your just insecure because you couldn't get it up in a normal circumstance so you're masturbating to our comments. WeeeEEEEeeee.

At least I have a relationship with a real man who isn't insecure or have childish notions regarding my relationship with my horses.

Moron.

nip/tuck said...

If I want my penis torn to shreds, I'll drench my balls in salmon paste and toot an eagle whistle.

...and Weasel remains the king of the one liner.

"Uh, UPS? Hi. I have a box I'd like to send. How much cash would it take to send a 400 lb box to Kazakhstan?"

morbidreality said...

"http://www.cduniverse.com/images.asp?pid=6935972&style=music&image=front&title=Bloodhound+Gang+-+Hefty+Fine+CD

I thought that picture looked familiar, he starred on one of the Bloodhound Gang's CD covers.. he's bloody famous! LOL"

I posted that before, forgot to login haha.. 'Bill's' particular picture has been photoshopped... badly.

Anonymous said...

FYI ...

I haven't read thru the comments, so I don't know if this has been mentioned, BUT...

That pic is off the cover of a Bloodhound Gang album.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Really. Seriously. What is a man thinking when he posts something like this? I just cannot imagine...

Weasel said...

Damn!!!!

I had a feeling it was fake!

Good catch guys.

Ella said...

It may be a fake picture but a real ad. I DID see it posted on craigslist, too. The world may never know.

And I'm sure even Larry Craig would be marking this one 'return to sender.'

ladraco said...

Ashers, that was my first response, too! Not "fat guy in a box." Not "man hands."

It was absolute indignation that this guy thinks he can get an incredibly beautiful woman. Forget "an incredibly beautiful woman with man hands who wants to stuff fatty in a box."

Just... a beautiful woman. If he had posted a perfectly normal, human ad that specified drop-dead gorgeosity, with him looking like that but fully clothed, it would have been almost as absurd.

Of course... specifying drop-dead gorgeosity at all is a good way to drive all women away, including the gorgeous ones.

Anonymous said...

"I tire easily of immature idiots who think that if women like horses it must be that they have a fetish for them. At least I'm not posting anonymously, chicken shit dickweed."

But I like it here. I like laughing at the lesbian man-haters, the rabid feminists and the pervy horse fetishists behind their backs.

BTW, the only piece of tail that interests me is a woman's ass. Which reminds me, my piece of tail is late with my lunch. I think she needs a spanking.

Women are such fun creatures!
Bye, now.

Rhyadawn said...

((But I like it here. I like laughing at the lesbian man-haters, the rabid feminists and the pervy horse fetishists behind their backs.))

If you really liked it here you wouldn't be too scared to sign your own name.

We are not all lesbians, we are not all feminists, and we are definitly not all horse fetishists. Not everyone needs an animal to get off.

Have a great day!

CutNJump said...

nip/tuck
"Uh, UPS? Hi. I have a box I'd like to send. How much cash would it take to send a 400 lb box to Kazakhstan?"


Go online for that. Less human contact and involvement. You can even schedule a pick up...

Calantha said...

This was a real ad? Never heard of this sort of thing before. By the way, I've heard it said that Giada DeLaurentis has "man hands" but she's a very lovely woman. Personally I'm not sure why her hands qualify - they are weathered hands certainly, but not mannish-looking to me.

Anonymous said...

anon I know who you are. You are the one who sent me that nasty email dictating that I was a lesbian because of the type of ad I had. And you are the one who even signed his name in christ. I guarentee you are the one. You cannot deny it. You are sounding so much like a broken record. I do beleive this jack asses name is Chris. He emailed me I got so pissed I deleted it. But he keeps haunting me. Get a life loser!

ChevyGirl said...

soory I sent that last message.

nip/tuck said...

Thanks, CnJ! Just grab the phone and tape the box shut... all that's left to do is wait for the roar of the big brown truck. I hope their employees are required to wear back braces.

Ella said...

Hey you anonymous dickweed. I don't have anything to do with horses, I am not a lesbian and yeah, I'm a feminist because, to quote, feminism is the radical notion that women are people. I in no way look anything resembling a man but then again, I'm sure you don't either. Maybe you need to get a life or an education and grow the eff up. By the way, I'm sure not even a horse would give you and your small minded ignorance the time of day. Better be nice to your right hand or your going to have a lot of pent up frustration.

Ella said...

And how is it a fetish if someone runs a horse farm, show in a competition or likes to ride horses as a hobby? Me thinks thou doth protest too much..

CutNJump said...

nip/tuck- not so much on the back braces, but they do throw the boxes around and we all know the trucks/vans have no air conditioning.

I bet boy in the box is pretty ripe by the time he reaches his destination.

Online doesn't require speaking to anyone, request a quote, pay, print the label, schedule the pick up and set him by the curb.

Doesn't get any easier and similar to throwing out the trash/bum.

Sorry for any typo's. The batteries in my wireless keyboard are about to crap out...

anniebanannie said...

Anonymous said...
But I like it here. I like laughing at the lesbian man-haters, the rabid feminists and the pervy horse fetishists behind their backs.

BTW, the only piece of tail that interests me is a woman's ass. Which reminds me, my piece of tail is late with my lunch. I think she needs a spanking.


Absolutely so typical! You wish to believe that we're not representative of women, but unfortunately, we are fairly average females but with enough guts to speak out.

As a woman, I happen to know women, many of whom are not horse women, and guess what, most of what is being said here is not new.

Troll... troll doll.

Walk On said...

Weasel, you've been had on this one - but don't delete it, your commentary was too funny!

Here's a link showing the album cover. (No, I don't listen to these "artists")
http://tinyurl.com/2hjugh

Weasel said...

Yeah , I know I was had.

The contributor actually already wrote me and apologized- she didn't know either.

As I told reader NW last night, when I first started WWHM, I had to peruse the dating boards myself. I don't have to anymore thank God, because you guys do it for me, and I get hundreds of ads a week. But, BUT, a lot of fakes have been coming through, and it is hard to catch them all.

Anonymous said...

Isn't this the cover of a Bloodhound Gang album?