Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Prison Break

BAD BOY LOOKING FOR SOME ACTION

im fresh out of prison so dont be scared.im just a good guy who got caught up and robbed banks.no threat.im looking for a girl who wont be afraid to put it on me!im way horny and looking to wreck something!im on limited time so if there is a WOMAN out there and ur interested!hit me up and im there!! Lee

Ladies, let me tell you how horrible prison is.

Imagine getting powerfully fucked in the shower every day by an endless line of brawny, tattooed, dominant and faceless men who use you only to satiate their deepest and most instinctual sexual desires. It's a nightmare scenario that..... um....ok....... apparently we need a 5 minute break so you can all retrieve your vibrators.

Are you done yet? Geez, I haven't seen that many quivering lips since a hunter shot Bambi's mother.

Women seeking to get fucked like a common barn hen may enjoy a romp with a guy like Lee, who posted a personal ad seeking sex from someone who won't leave stubble burns on his thighs or pay him in Saltines. Lee just got out of prison, and would appreciate an opportunity to finally fuck something that doesn't laugh hysterically at farts. If you're up for the challenge, cover some plums with syrup, roll them in cat hair, and hang them from your uterine sponge. That way when he reaches down to tickle your balls, there won't be a stop in the action.

Lee hasn't seen a pussy in so long, he'd probably play Scrabble with it. The cramped confines of prison walls will do that to a man. Spending 7 years in a crowded and uncomfortable space, eating that horrible food, and dealing with such uncaring, brutal employees- imagine flying United Airlines for seven years, but throw in some confrontational ass-fucking. Thankfully for Lee, prison rarely sends your luggage to Guam and patronizes you with a fucking $5 Bartell's coupon.

Proceed with caution: a guy who hasn't been with a woman in seven years will attack your vagina like a threatened bear. Curlers, grannie panties, or Crocs- no antidote will deny his determination to live in the confines of your Levi's for at least a couple months. At work you'll walk around like you just rode a fat horse from Dallas to Fargo, because a guy fresh out of prison puts more miles on your crotch than Christmas puts on a FedEx truck in northern Manitoba.

And thanks for being honest, Lee, about the bank robberies- for a minute there we were concerned you might have committed some kind of crime or something.

Phew.

35 comments:

Rhyadawn said...

wow, I don't even know what to say to that....

Where do men think we find this attractive! You amaze me again Weas

Havocec said...

a good guy who got caught up in robbing banks? Is that like a car accident, something that just happens? Surprise!!! You're a bank robber. WTF? Me? Nawhway...yes way my son...now pick up that soap bitch.

SassyBrunette said...

Wreck something? On limited time? ...if there is a WOMAN out there...

Wow. Red flags. Everywhere.

Edward Norton in American History X was hot (I've never seen him so ripped, before or after). But Lee makes me think of the shower scene. Over and over. ::shudder::

Conjugal visit? No thanks.

Fleeting said...

Wreck something. Mm doggie, sign me up...

Also, have you ever been to northern Manitoba, Weasel? No? Neither have I, and I fucking LIVE in this province. I have heard there are fish in the summer, polar bears in the winter, and not a hell of a lot else. That poor FedEx guy would kill himself before he got out of Flin Flon.

Weasel said...

Flin Flon- the best city name ever.

archellebaker said...

What a dumbass.

Rozie said...

I love his attitude here...I robbed a bank, no biggie :(
No of course its no biggie...just ask the bank tellers and the customers you fucking traumatized when you did it you fucking retarded dickwad. I really hope this bag of shit got passed around as Bubba's bitch for ten cents a go the whole time he was in jail.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

On the plus side, at least he ADMITS he robbed the bank and isn't still arguing he got framed and the cops are all eeeevil, LOL!

That said, ewwww. Lee, you'd better post your test results along with that post. *shudders*

PixieCorpse said...

Bank robber my ass.

Robbing banks sounds vaguely romantic. Ten bucks says he's done something more petty and/or more violent.

Karmyn said...

He says he's on limited time. Is he planning on violating his parole soon? I've heard about how some can't handle life on the outside. Quickest I've ever heard of someone committing another crime was the guy who stole a truck minutes after release. Most at least wait until they get out of town first.

Eccentric_Lady said...

He's totally clueless - how does that seem a man that lacks integrity is attractive? A man that thinks what he's done wrong isn't bad or blames others...can he get a stop by the gelding bus? (FHOTD reference.)

RebelJubilee said...

When is wrecked a good thing? You wreck cars, motorcycles and its never good. Why would you use that same word when referring to a vagina? The last thing I want is for my vagina to look like something crunched up on I-75.

VAhorsegal said...

I made the mistake of reading this at work and just spewed coffee all over my monitor, that was the funniest shit I have ever read. I especially like the reference to United.... after dealing with their customer service I think I would opt for dealing with this retard.

Mary said...

Okay, I must admit...I've used the term "wrecked" in reference to myself. When the hubby and I started dating, we fucked pretty much non-stop for 2 weeks. Only stopping to get about 10 minutes of sleep, to pee, to shower and to go to work. We were both so sore, he had friction sores and I was raw. That, my friends, is wrecked! On the bright side, I lost 15 pounds in those 2 weeks!!

I also have to admit I go through those "Use me like a cheap whore" moods. After 3 hours, I'm wrecked and afraid to pee!

He doesn't strike me as a violent man so I'm guessing he robbed the local 4 year old's piggy banks. It was a serial crime though! He probably hit every house within a 20 mile radius armed with a hammer and sandwich baggy. Odds are he bought the cheap Walmart brand and the weight from all the coins caused a hole in the bottom, leaving a trail of nickles and pennies right to his doorstep.

CaliGirl9 said...

The first thing that came to mind is no doubt this tool is a premature ejaculator.

Then I got to thinking if he's admitting he has limited time he's pretty much confessing he's planning to go back into the joint soon.

Secretly he misses his secret romantic Boo, Bubba, who is still incarcerated. So he'll do just enough to violate parole/probation and off he goes!

Methinks this is another stop for the gelding bus ...

I did used to work in corrections though, and little punks like this one are the ones you couldn't trust. They like playing little head games. The lifers were pretty straightforward guys.

ChevyGirl said...

slllllluuuuuuuurrrrrrrpppppppp



the noise my lips make when thinking about this guy. I think I need a trip to the ER to get em back.

4thehorses said...

Sadly, there are women out there who just love this kind of guy. Untraceable income is good when you live on the system.

Calantha said...

I totally thought that he was wearing one of those full face masks some BDSMers wear! Which only made the ad itself scarier somehow. What is it with any woman who would go for this type of guy? He's a convicted criminal and he doesn't sound like he's very sorry about what he did.

bhm said...

Has anyone every written to these guys with advice on how not to write an ad?

The Misanthrope said...

Shitty amateur satire. If you laugh at this, reconsider your own existence. Making fun of people you don't know makes you look like a total idiot assmunch (Except to fellow total idiot assmunchers). A 50 yard paraplegic wit-dash is what it is. I would advise you to reconsider your petty hobby, not because of poor morality (Doesn't bother me in the least), but of absence of quality. Just because you're well spoken doesn't mean your words don't suck balls. Enjoy your pseudo-intellectual blogspot circle-jerk.

RebelJubilee said...

Oooo, we've been hit by the humour police!! Does it feel good to have the holier-than-thou attitude? Please link us to your far superior entertainment page so that we can all bath our minuscule minds in your genius

bhm said...

I would reconsider my existence if I thought I was impressing people by using the words "total idiot assmunch", "suck balls" and circle-jerk.

bhm said...

RebelJubilee said...
Please link us to your far superior entertainment page so that we can all bath our minuscule minds in your genius
---------------
Well if you think it would help then link away.

RebelJubilee said...

No, I don't think it'll help, but my point is that this person probably can't put a good pun together.

jax said...

newbie here...love this freakin site Weasel! its going on my blog.

CaliGirl9 said...

Oh dear it appears we have been invaded by the morality police in the guise of the misanthrope ...
This is a fine illustration of the nanny state in action ...
Let's see your Pulitizer Prize-winning words on YOUR blog.
*crickets chirping* I'm waiting for that link ...

horsegal said...

Ohhh!!! We have a dissenter! On FHOTD we call them trolls. In light of Halloween soon, I'll deem you a Goblin.

Shall I make popcorn? I look forward to your pontifications on our circle-jerk. I know you little dicked men love to use those big fancy schmancy words!

Lynda said...

Damn it Horsegal Im all out of Popcorn... Hope he comes back soon, I have ice cream! Ooo wait I also have apple pie I made this morning.... think I'l go get a slice now... yummmmm and the ponies got the left over apples too...

Havocec said...

the misanthrope...

Ridicule is the basis for most comedy. Ask Rich Little.

Put on that hair shirt and go back to the convent/monastary.

Havocec said...

gawd I wish I could spell when I've had too much to drink

kalmanen said...

" If you're up for the challenge, cover some plums with syrup, roll them in cat hair, and hang them from your uterine sponge. That way when he reaches down to tickle your balls, there won't be a stop in the action."

You should really send these amazing tips to some magazine or something! I don't know how the world can go on without these shared to a even more bigger groups of people.

And it's always the good guys robbing the banks! No wonder it's so hard to find a nice man, they're all in jail...

CutNJump said...

Wow I miss a few days to hatch out the next generation of snarkers and look what happens!

A sex doll enthusiast and a bank robber who wants to wreck some vagina's.
Can it really get any better? No I haven't read the next post yet.

Weasel babe, write from the gut and hit "post" before you can think about it. Go with oyour instinct and let it folw baby! You worry too much...

In the spirit of PETA and the troll, I will bring the freshly churned, home made ice cream. Vanilla of course and made from breast milk, just like PETA suggests. Oh and you can all just call me Elsie, Bessy Flossy or just simply Moooooooo.

robyn said...

Well dammit, CHJ, HOW THE HELL ARE YOU ALL DOING?! The new babbies, the dad? Best to you for a quick recovery!

And congrats, too. =D

hackney_wonder said...

Ok, now I just watched that video on the guy with all the sex dolls... was it just me or did most of those things look like children? I can understand some men's needs and fantasies every now and again but that guy looks like a pedophile. Aren't those things custom order? Looks like he has a fetish for young girls.

That is just right at sickening. He isn't why women hate men.... he is why women cut go off the deep end and cut off things some men don't need.

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